Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Room 12 helps edit Talita's story!!

Today our class had a look at Talita's story that she has been working on...she isn't finished yet. We thought that she had some great ideas, her ideas were in order, we liked the 'problem' and we wanted to know how it would end.  Our job today was to help her edit and we were able to get more details and more rich vocabulary added to her story. Boy oh boy did we work hard!!! Our teacher was sooooooooo excited because we showed her that we CAN think of and write awesome details if we concentrate!!!   Have a read and let us know what you think.

Once there lived a woman whose name was Charlotte. Charlotte had long brown hair that flowed down her back like a waterfall.  One sunny but breezy day she was looking around the little country town where she lived. It was a busy town full of many cute shops, lovely garden cafes and art galleries. In between two enormous pine trees across the street, she spotted her handsome boyfriend chatting with his cousin Tom. She rushed over to Jeff and pounced on him like a kitten and said “Hey I think it’s time get married.” He replied, “Yes let’s do it next week.” Charlotte was so excited that she fainted. Handsome Jeff caught her in his strong, muscular arms and carried her to the nearby park bench and set her down to recover.

 The days passed quickly and before she knew it, it was time for the wedding. Charlotte was magnificent in her glittery white gown and her guests admired her great beauty. The fragrance from her bouquet filled the church as she floated down the aisle. The Priest performed the ceremony and said “I now present you as husband and wife.” Jeff took her in his arms, dipped her, puckered his lips and gave her the biggest smooch the world had ever seen!!!  

On their honey moon at the hotel, Jeff found out that Charlotte had another boyfriend who she unfortunately hadn’t broken up with before her wedding. Jeff was so furious that he ripped off his wedding band, threw it on the floor, and stomped towards the door. With his mighty hairy hands, he grabbed the handle and tore the door right off it’s hinges.

Charlotte burst into tears and it felt as though her heart was broken. She fell to her knees and begged Jeff to return.

1 comment:

  1. Wow room 12 and Talita... What an awesome, fabulous amazing job you have done editing that very interesting and descriptive story! I love it!
    Talita's mum.


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